Tony Blair has announced that he will be launching a new range of non-stick cookware, with saucepans and frying pans containing his own DNA.
Speaking at a launch event in London today, the ex-Prime Minister said that the kitchen accessories will revolutionise cooking for millions of people around the world.
He said: ‘During our research, we spent a number of hours in the laboratory where scientists threw various types of food directly at me.’
‘No matter how sticky or filthy the food and drink was, it all just fell off me.’
‘After a while, a team of genetic specialists realised that I have a very special gene embedded in my DNA that nobody has ever seen before – it is a specific genetic structure that is practically impossible to attach anything to.’
‘We were able to extract this genetic data from my DNA and create an organic type of oxidised material with the same properties.’
‘This has been named Tonium Blairoxide, and when it is used to coat saucepans they become the strongest non-stick compound known to man.’
‘It doesn’t matter what you throw at it, nothing sticks.’
According to a source close to Blair, there were concerns for a while that a rival cookware manufacturer had stolen the genetic information and was about to use it for themselves.
He said: ‘Tony wanted the rival saucepan factory blown up, and so he prepared a report about how they were hiding their own Tonium Blairoxide in various locations throughout the premises.’
‘Naturally it all turned out to be bollocks but it was too late by then – that’s Tony for ya.’